Roma's Roman Friend
by SouthPlaq
Summary: Battleship Roma deals with a certain situation in the Taranto Naval Base. This story was written in honor of the living and deceased members of Monty Python.


The Italian Battleship Roma anxiously shuffled behind her desk, skimming through various papers and reports. She was awaiting a response from her sister Littorio on the outcome of the... incident. During the night, a squadron of Abyssals had broken into the Taranto Naval Base and attempted to kidnap the Maestrale-class for use in a ransom. Luckily, they were caught fighting amongst one another and were quickly dispached by the shipgirls on the night watch.

Still, just thinking about it infuriated Roma to her core. After all, it had happened while she was in command, and she wanted nothing more than the best outcome for the sake of her own reputation.

Just then, the doors to her office flew open and in stepped her sister and the light cruisers Abruzzi and Garibaldi, who themselves were dragging along a beaten and bruised Abyssal. Following them were the heavy cruisers Pola and Zara, who had been guarding the entrance to Roma's office.

"Sister!" Littorio stated with a salute, "Only one survivor!"

"Ah!" Roma hummed, standing up from her chair and walking around to the front of her desk, "Thwow her to the fwoor."

"What, Sis?"

"Thwow. Her. To the fwoor."

"Oh!" Littorio responded, turning and nodding to the light cruisers.

Obliging, Abruzzi and Garibaldi grabbed the Abyssal by the shoulders and pushed her downward, the whole ordeal ending with the loud thud of her skull impacting the wooden floorboards.

"Bwah!"

Roma slowly stepped toward the captured enemy.

"Now, what is your name, Abyssal?"

"I think I will remain silent!" She responded, struggling to get back onto her knees.

"Siwent, eh?"

"No-no, silent."

Littorio was quite defensive of her younger sister's speech problem, and she hated it when others tried to correct her. Thus, she promptly delivered a deafening slap to the piece of filth.

"Ow!"

Delighted at the sight, Roma continued her taunting.

"Ohohoho! The wittle wascal has spiwit!"

"Has what, Sis?"

"Spiwit!"

"Yes, she did, Sis!"

"No-no, Spiwit... uh, Brawvado... a touch of, daewing-do."

"Oh! Uh, about eleven, Sis!"

Even though she tried her best, Littorio had to admit that even she often had trouble deciphering what Roma had said. She could only hope that her responses made some sort of sense.

"So, you dare to waid us?" Roma asked after looking around with a small frown on her face for a few moments.

"To what, madam?" The Abyssal responded, struggling to understand what the battleship was asking.

"Stwike her Wittorio, very woughly!"

Littorio definitely understood that command, and applied more percussive force than she had done previously.

"Oww!"

"Oh, and uh... throwhertothefloor,Sis?"

"What?"

"Throw her to the floor again, Sis?"

"Oh yes, thwow her to the fwoor pwease."

The Abyssal again came crashing down to the floor from the arms of the light cruisers standing on either side of her.

"Owww!"

"Now, Abyssal wapscallion!" Roma began anew.

"I'm not an Abyssal, I'm part of the Capitani Romani-class!" She declared in a futile attempt to spare herself.

"A Woemani-cwass?"

"No-no, Romani!"

Littorio had had just about enough of the Abyssal's backtalk. She wound up all of her horsepower and delivered a devastating blow that sent the piece of trash crashing into Abruzzi's leg.

"Hrgh!"

"So, you're a wight cwuiser?" Roma continued, "What is your name?"

"Uh, Naughtius Maximus." She replied, still half dazed by the previous blow to her temple.

"Bwahaha!" Littorio blurted out, quickly stopping when she noticed that nobody else had joined in.

"Wittorio, do we have anyone of that name in the fweet?"

"Well, no, Sis."

"Well you sound very sure, have you checked?"

"Well, no... Um, I think it's a joke, Sis. Like, uh, "Sillius Soddus" or "Biggus Dickus."

Off in one corner of the room, Pola quietly snickered at the last name that Littorio had said. Roma, on the other hand, did not look very pleased.

"What's so funny about Biggus Dickus?" She directed at her sister.

"Well, it's a joke name, Sis."

Roma flared her nose up, showing obvious signs of agitation.

"I've got a very great fwiend in Wome called Biggus Dickus."

Pola, probably already drunk off her heels, snickered loudly enough so that Roma could hear her very clearly. The battleship turned and eyed the cruiser angrily.

Marching over to a now frightened Pola, Roma lashed out at her, "Silence! What is all of this insowence?! You will find yourself as a pwactice target very qwickly, with wotten behaviour like that!"

"Um, can I go now, madam?" The Abyssal interrupted.

Littorio delivered one final smack, shutting the Abyssal up for good.

"Owwww!"

Roma marched back over to her sister, her chest puffed out in frustration.

"Wait until Biggus Dickus hears of this!"

Pola snickered again, with Roma immediately taking notice. She pointed angrily at the heavy cruiser.

"Wight, take her away!"

Littorio attempted to plead on Pola's behalf, but her fate was already decided.

"No-no! I want her dawdging shells and torpedoes within a week!"

"Yes ma'am." Littorio hesitantly replied, moving over to Pola, "Come on, you!"

As she dragged Pola away, Roma turned to face the front of the room.

"I will NOT have my fwiends ridiculed by common fweetgirls!"

As she stopped, she glanced around at the others who were still in her office:

Zara was off to the right side of the room, standing at attention. Abruzzi and Garibaldi were standing to the left and right sides of the captured Abyssal, respectively. Garibaldi seemed to be fine, but Roma noticed a slight curl to Abruzzi's lip, indicating that she was holding back a chuckle. It didn't help that all three of them were avoiding eye contact with the battleship.

Roma decided that she was going to have a little bit of fun with her subordinates. She slowly stepped toward the pink-haired sisters as she began to speak.

"Anybody else feel like a wittle... Giggle... When I mention my fwiend..."

She cut her eyes at Arbuzzi and Garibaldi. Abruzzi appeared to be on the verge of breaking already.

"**Biggus.**"

Abruzzi let out the slightest of snickers, but Roma's sharp ears picked up on it. She glanced over at the cruiser, and saw that her eyes were shut and her lips were quivering.

"**Dickus!**"

She clearly noticed Abruzzi lose her composure, but a much louder snicker had come from a certain corner of the room. She glared at Zara only for a moment before swiftly shifting her way over to the heavy cruiser.

"And what about you? Do you find it... Wrisible..."

Zara bit the inside of her mouth in an attempt to wipe off the grin that adorned her face as she shook her head in response.

"When I sayyy the name..."

Steeling herself, Zara's eyes widened as she stared at Roma's face, which was now only mere inches away from her own.

"**Biggus!**"

The trembling heavy cruiser let out a muffled grunt, but she did not let her lips tear apart from one another.

"**Dickus!**"

Suddenly, a pair of strained laughs came from the opposite direction. Roma swiftly turned to observe both Abruzzi's and Garibaldi's shoulders shaking in an agonizing attempt to hold in their laughter.

She took one final look at Zara, who had managed to wipe away any trace of humor from her face, and turned again to face the sisters.

She came up behind them slowly, making sure that each step she took made a loud, determined tap on the floor.

"He has a wife you know." She started after closing the distance, "You know what she's called?"

Abruzzi and Garibaldi shook their heads simultaneously in response.

"She's called..." Roma paused as she circled around to Abruzzi's right, "Incontinentia."

Abruzzi breathed in deep and closed her eyes once more, while Garibaldi did her best to hold steady.

"Incontinentia Buttocks."

Neither Abruzzi or Garibaldi could contain themselves anymore.

"Pfffttt!"

"Pffftt!"

"SHUT UP!"

Roma began shouting in anger at the cruisers assembled before her as they continued to laugh hysterically. Zara had completely lost it, and she began to howl as she held her stomach in pain.

During the commotion, the Abyssal girl took the opportunity to sneak away from her captors. Roma quickly noticed, but she was too slow herself to catch the escapee.

"Seize her!" She ordered as she pointed after the runaway, "Blow your funnels and seize her!"

Unfortunately, it would take a chase across the entire naval district before she was recaptured.

* * *

By the end of that week, Pola, Zara, Abruzzi, and Garibaldi all found themselves dancing around shells and torpedoes fired by their allies at the practice range. Roma and Littorio observed the spectacle from the safety of the balcony in Roma's office. One of the battleships in particular looked very pleased.

"Sis, may I ask you something?" Littorio spoke up timidly.

"Yes, Wittorio?"

"Do... Do you actually know someome called Biggus Dickus?"

"No." She smiled. "I've only heard of it in a movie once. A very gweat movie."

"Oh!" Littorio responded, rather disappointed.

_'So much for tha__t.' _She thought to herself.

Suddenly, there was a loud knock at the office's door.

"Oh! That must be the new Admiral!" Littorio beamed.

"Yes, wet's go wet him in!"

The battleships quickly opened the door, admitting a large man adorning an officer's uniform.

"Are you the new Admiral, Sir?" Littorio asked with a kind smile.

"Yes, I certainly am. May I set my things down in here?"

"Yes, of course! This desk is now yours, Sir!" Roma responded with a salute.

After a few moments of silence, the battleships had just one question on their mind.

"May I ask your name, Sir?" Roma inquired.

"Oh! Well, you already know the answer to that, Roma." He calmly responded.

"What do you mean?"

Slowly, the Admiral reached into his bag and pulled out a wooden name plate, setting it on the desk.

It read, as clear as day:

**_Adm. B. Dickus _**

Roma's eyes grew exponentially as she read the name.

"No way, it can't be..."

"Oh yes indeed, Roma. It is I..."

He stepped toward the stunned battleship.

"**Biggus.**"

...

"**Dickus!**"

_Fin._


End file.
